Seriously.
Story of my life.
And it 100% applies to this blog.
I felt inspired to start this blog and I know what I want it to be. I want it to be a space where I can share my real life experiences, the nitty gritty, to help others feel more comfortable with the nitty gritty of their lives. So I started the blog and then all of it just left my brain. All of a sudden I had no idea what to write.
Why?
Oh, ya know, simply because I lost all sense of who I was as a person. No biggie, right? I still don't really have any idea what happened or what is going on or what the heck I'm doing. All I know is that I'm starting to come back.
I had hoped that I would be able to share my experiences as they are happening but I have discovered that that is much more of a struggle for me than I realized. I have a hard time talking about what is going on with me because I have no idea what is going on with me. Hard to put into words what you don't even know is happening.
But I have come to a place where I feel like I finally have enough of myself back where I hope I can start sharing some of these experiences with you.
For the time being, all you really need to know is that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, in every part of my life. I seriously wing it every day just like I'm sure you do, And I second guess myself like a bazillion times every time I make a choice as I'm sure you do.
I seriously have spent the whole time writing this going back and forth in my head about whether or not this is a completely stupid post and people will think it was a total waste of time. Jury is STILL out on that one.
Just so you know, I didn't say all of that hoping to find compliments. I know how crazy I am. And I'm totally ok with it.
Sometimes I wonder why other people seem so ok with it. I wonder if that's just an indication that we all are crazy and the people that stick around simply are crazy on a compatible level.
I'll save further musings on that topic for another post because now I'm just rambling.
Welcome to my brain!
Friday, November 13, 2015
Saturday, September 19, 2015
A Bucketful of Awesome
I have this really awesome journal. Literally. I'm pretty sure I've referenced Drops of Awesome here before. Kathryn Thompson, the author, put together this really awesome journal where you can write down all of your Drops of Awesome. I felt inspired to buy it and when I did it was the exact thing that I needed. It helped me to start getting out of a funk I was in. Well, as so many other things, the spark died pretty quickly and pretty soon I had let a month go by without opening it. Every time I glanced at it guilt and shame washed over me for letting it go unopened. Finally, I decided I would kick that shame and my fear of goal setting in the butt together by setting a date to fill up my journal with all my Drops of Awesome. And what better day than my birthday to make that happen?
So, here I am, telling the whole internet that I will have my Drops of Awesome journal totally filled by November 23rd, my 26th birthday. When I set the goal last month this is how much I had to go:
And this is how far I've gotten since then:
I've got just over 2 months left. It's going to take lot of Drops and I may not actually fill it up all the way but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I am willing to put myself outside of my comfort zone and push myself to live to my potential. It's not the physical end result that matters. This is about the journey and what I discover about myself in the process. So far? I've found out that I'm way more awesome than I thought I was, and that fills me with the drive to be the best that I can be. For myself, for my family, and for my God. I am transforming into the person I want to be by going on this journey. THAT is what matters. So, here's to daring greatly and not being afraid! Wish me luck! What goal are you going to set that will conquer fears and stretch you to be better?
In related news, I've also decided to run a 10k, hopefully this fall. I am totally stoked about it!
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Guess What
Hey all! Guess what I relearned this week??? It's totally cool and awesome and life changing and I bet if you learned or relearned it too it could change your life as well. Yeah, it's that awesome.
Okay, ready for me to be out with it??? Here it comes!!!
I relearned...
...that I have talents and something to offer this world and what I have to offer this world is IMPORTANT. And it's completely independent of the talent level of everyone around me. So, even if someone is totally better at [insert talent here] than me IT DOESN'T MATTER! Whatever I have to offer is still something only I can offer and it could change someone's life, like my own. So, it's important that I work up the guts to share [insert talent here] with myself and those around me. Because only good or even GREAT things can come from it. And I will only be that much happier and more myself when I do.
Pretty cool, huh?
Because of this renewed knowledge I am going to go sew a quilt for Angel that I have been putting off because I have been letting my inadequacies get in the way. I am stoked!
What are you going to do with this (re)newed knowledge?
Okay, ready for me to be out with it??? Here it comes!!!
I relearned...
...that I have talents and something to offer this world and what I have to offer this world is IMPORTANT. And it's completely independent of the talent level of everyone around me. So, even if someone is totally better at [insert talent here] than me IT DOESN'T MATTER! Whatever I have to offer is still something only I can offer and it could change someone's life, like my own. So, it's important that I work up the guts to share [insert talent here] with myself and those around me. Because only good or even GREAT things can come from it. And I will only be that much happier and more myself when I do.
Pretty cool, huh?
Because of this renewed knowledge I am going to go sew a quilt for Angel that I have been putting off because I have been letting my inadequacies get in the way. I am stoked!
What are you going to do with this (re)newed knowledge?
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Free Writing
Free writing has come to be a tool that I always keep readily handy. When Cap and I started attending Addiction Recovery meetings and working the program I discovered very quickly that there were a heck of a lot of emotions that I was not dealing with which was causing me to binge eat like crazy. I started to work through my emotions so I could ease the urge to turn to food. One of the things I would do to help me would be to write about how I am feeling. Eventually it all evolved into free writing. I would start writing and come up with something completely unexpected at the end and I would find that I felt resolved with the feelings I was dealing with.
I remember learning about free writing in school and trying it a few times but I just never got it. I always over thought it so I would turn up blank. It's interesting to look back on that and remember thinking that I would never be able to free write and see how it has now become such an essential tool in my endeavor to process my emotions. I use it in many situations. I use it when I know I am having a hard time and know what the cause is and I also use it when I sense something is wrong but I have no idea what it is. It seriously works every. single. time.
So, why am I writing about this? Because it just kind of happened. I came on here to write about the difficulties I have been having with motherhood. When it came to it I was blank. All of the ideas I had floating in my head were gone. I physically couldn't write anything. There was a block. And what do I do when I have a block? I free write! I had a laptop on my lap all ready for me to type away so type away I did. I got to the end of it and I thought, "There's my blog post!" I was completely caught off guard, but it felt right. So here's my example of free writing!:
I really want to write about motherhood but my thoughts have gone blank. I wonder if there is something else that I need to write about. I have no idea what that would be. I am struggling with my emotions lately. I know a lot of that has to do with the emotional aspect of mothering. It takes so much out of me to constantly have to deal with the emotions of my children. I think that's a struggle more so when I am not dealing with my own emotions. I don't know what emotions I am not dealing with. I know I have been spending a lot of time on my phone and in front of the TV. When I do that I feel zoned out and have a hard time being interrupted and switching back and forth. I know it would be better for me and my kids if I gave them up completely but I don't think I could do that. I set a guideline of only one movie a day and I really need to get back to that. I need to get used to doing lanyards without the TV on again. I totally used that as my crutch again this week and it has totally thrown off my week. I know that I can be better and do better though. And I am going to! I will not get sucked into marathons of TV shows. I will only watch one episode a day. One episode a day. This means my personal TV watching. I think that Chad and I should limit to one episode a day for TV shows we watch together as well. It is so much easier to feel the Spirit in our home when the TV is turned off and I am not sucked into my phone. I deleted social media apps from my phone because it was getting out of control. I feel really good about doing that. I feel free from the control it has over me. I am a real person with real control of my life and I need to work hard every day to not give that control over to other people or things. I give control over to people when my emotions are tied to the way they think of me. I will work everyday to not give control over to people by doing the things that help me feel confident in myself. I will no longer doubt myself and my decisions. I will take the leap of faith. If I make a decision and I fall flat on my face I will pick myself up, brush myself off, and pick up the pieces. It is in the falling that I learn the most about myself and about others. I will no longer be afraid of falling.
It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Mostly they are disjointed thoughts but the mental/emotional block I was feeling was gone by the end of it. That is what I get out of free writing. It helps me to acknowledge what is causing a block in my life, get it all out, process it, and come up with a solution/resolution. It helps me to get REAL about my life. It has become invaluable to me. It is my lifesaver. Have something in your own life you feel unresolved about? Try free writing! It might just change your life. :) If you have any questions about logistics and how to get started feel free to message me!
I remember learning about free writing in school and trying it a few times but I just never got it. I always over thought it so I would turn up blank. It's interesting to look back on that and remember thinking that I would never be able to free write and see how it has now become such an essential tool in my endeavor to process my emotions. I use it in many situations. I use it when I know I am having a hard time and know what the cause is and I also use it when I sense something is wrong but I have no idea what it is. It seriously works every. single. time.
So, why am I writing about this? Because it just kind of happened. I came on here to write about the difficulties I have been having with motherhood. When it came to it I was blank. All of the ideas I had floating in my head were gone. I physically couldn't write anything. There was a block. And what do I do when I have a block? I free write! I had a laptop on my lap all ready for me to type away so type away I did. I got to the end of it and I thought, "There's my blog post!" I was completely caught off guard, but it felt right. So here's my example of free writing!:
I really want to write about motherhood but my thoughts have gone blank. I wonder if there is something else that I need to write about. I have no idea what that would be. I am struggling with my emotions lately. I know a lot of that has to do with the emotional aspect of mothering. It takes so much out of me to constantly have to deal with the emotions of my children. I think that's a struggle more so when I am not dealing with my own emotions. I don't know what emotions I am not dealing with. I know I have been spending a lot of time on my phone and in front of the TV. When I do that I feel zoned out and have a hard time being interrupted and switching back and forth. I know it would be better for me and my kids if I gave them up completely but I don't think I could do that. I set a guideline of only one movie a day and I really need to get back to that. I need to get used to doing lanyards without the TV on again. I totally used that as my crutch again this week and it has totally thrown off my week. I know that I can be better and do better though. And I am going to! I will not get sucked into marathons of TV shows. I will only watch one episode a day. One episode a day. This means my personal TV watching. I think that Chad and I should limit to one episode a day for TV shows we watch together as well. It is so much easier to feel the Spirit in our home when the TV is turned off and I am not sucked into my phone. I deleted social media apps from my phone because it was getting out of control. I feel really good about doing that. I feel free from the control it has over me. I am a real person with real control of my life and I need to work hard every day to not give that control over to other people or things. I give control over to people when my emotions are tied to the way they think of me. I will work everyday to not give control over to people by doing the things that help me feel confident in myself. I will no longer doubt myself and my decisions. I will take the leap of faith. If I make a decision and I fall flat on my face I will pick myself up, brush myself off, and pick up the pieces. It is in the falling that I learn the most about myself and about others. I will no longer be afraid of falling.
It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Mostly they are disjointed thoughts but the mental/emotional block I was feeling was gone by the end of it. That is what I get out of free writing. It helps me to acknowledge what is causing a block in my life, get it all out, process it, and come up with a solution/resolution. It helps me to get REAL about my life. It has become invaluable to me. It is my lifesaver. Have something in your own life you feel unresolved about? Try free writing! It might just change your life. :) If you have any questions about logistics and how to get started feel free to message me!
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Current Thoughts #1
-Jericho and Essie are actually playing nicely outside without getting into trouble.
-Nevermind.
-I actually got the sprinkler on watering the backyard. Yay me!
-I really should make sure to water more than every 2 weeks...ish.
-I'm really surprised we still have grass.
-Angel sure is a stubborn napper.
-I'll be sad when Angel stops growling all the time.
-I actually emptied and loaded the dishwasher. Yay me!
-Man, I sure am racking up the Drops of Awesome today!
-Who am I kidding??? I rack them up every day with all my overflowing Awesomeness! ;)
-I'm finally blogging. Yay me!
-Wow, I really am Awesome!
-Being a SAHM sure has been a struggle lately.
-All of that seems to vanish when I see the look on Jericho's face when he is expecting me to say no for the 100th time but I surprise him and say yes.
-I really need to say yes more often.
-I love my kids.
-I love my family.
-Life is good.
-Life is hard.
-Really hard.
-But really REALLY good.
-Nevermind.
-I actually got the sprinkler on watering the backyard. Yay me!
-I really should make sure to water more than every 2 weeks...ish.
-I'm really surprised we still have grass.
-Angel sure is a stubborn napper.
-I'll be sad when Angel stops growling all the time.
-I actually emptied and loaded the dishwasher. Yay me!
-Man, I sure am racking up the Drops of Awesome today!
-Who am I kidding??? I rack them up every day with all my overflowing Awesomeness! ;)
-I'm finally blogging. Yay me!
-Wow, I really am Awesome!
-Being a SAHM sure has been a struggle lately.
-All of that seems to vanish when I see the look on Jericho's face when he is expecting me to say no for the 100th time but I surprise him and say yes.
-I really need to say yes more often.
-I love my kids.
-I love my family.
-Life is good.
-Life is hard.
-Really hard.
-But really REALLY good.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Owning My Story
So, I took a bit of a blog hiatus. A lot of insecurities piled up. I kind of lost a sense of what my purpose is and what the purpose of this blog is. I also got completely overwhelmed trying to juggle all of my various responsibilities. In short, life happened. But I am back!
Ever since I started the blog I have spent a lot of time pondering how best to address my husband's pornography addiction, especially the first post dedicated to it. You see, it's really easy to tell people my husband has a pornography addiction but it's quite another thing to jump in and really talk about it. That part is really hard. I decided that for my sake, and for everyone's sake, I would ease into it. So, this is me easing into it!
I want to share with you why I feel so compelled to be open and honest about our journey. It's kind of weird, right? Nobody talks about pornography addiction. At least not their personal stories. It's usually only talked about in a general, unpersonal way. And I think we trick ourselves into thinking that because we don't hear more personal stories that it's because not very many people struggle with it. I can tell you right now that that is totally false! A lot more people struggle with it than you think! Even though it is a struggle for so many it is still so hard to talk about it openly because you essentially put a target on your back. This is something that will change the way people look at you. The hope is for the positive but in a lot of cases it will be for the negative.
So why open up about it?
I stumbled across this on my Facebook feed this morning and it struck a chord. For the record, Brene Brown is seriously one of my most favorite people ever and you should totally check her out. Anyways, the reason I (and my husband) have decided to be so open about our journey is so that we can own our story. Owning your story looks different for every person. There are a lot of people who struggle with the same things who choose not to share but that does not mean that they are not owning their story. This is simply the way I need to own our story.
For 3 years of our marriage, Cap's addiction was in control. It changed us into people we didn't even recognize. It defined who we were. For 2 and a half years now we have worked endlessly to take back control of who we are and our marriage. We work every single day to make sure that it does not define who we are. We strive to own it, learn from it, and use it to propel us toward a rich and fulfilling life. With everything we have we work to write ourselves a brave new ending. Being open with family, friends, fellow church members, and the entire cyber world is a part of that.
Cap's pornography addiction is a big part of my story. It affects a lot of areas of my life. Owning that part of my story has forced me to be honest about my life in a way I never have before. It has opened doors to a life more fulfilling than I ever thought I would live. It caused me to find myself, who I truly am, and forge a relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior that pushes me to be the best that I can be. It has opened me up to more love than I ever thought possible.
I won't hide that part of my story behind a rock because there is no shame in it. Standing against the shame that is often associated with pornography addiction is essential to owning my story and healing from the affects of addiction. That is my purpose in continuing to share this with all of you. I am anxious to move forward!
Ever since I started the blog I have spent a lot of time pondering how best to address my husband's pornography addiction, especially the first post dedicated to it. You see, it's really easy to tell people my husband has a pornography addiction but it's quite another thing to jump in and really talk about it. That part is really hard. I decided that for my sake, and for everyone's sake, I would ease into it. So, this is me easing into it!
I want to share with you why I feel so compelled to be open and honest about our journey. It's kind of weird, right? Nobody talks about pornography addiction. At least not their personal stories. It's usually only talked about in a general, unpersonal way. And I think we trick ourselves into thinking that because we don't hear more personal stories that it's because not very many people struggle with it. I can tell you right now that that is totally false! A lot more people struggle with it than you think! Even though it is a struggle for so many it is still so hard to talk about it openly because you essentially put a target on your back. This is something that will change the way people look at you. The hope is for the positive but in a lot of cases it will be for the negative.
So why open up about it?
For 3 years of our marriage, Cap's addiction was in control. It changed us into people we didn't even recognize. It defined who we were. For 2 and a half years now we have worked endlessly to take back control of who we are and our marriage. We work every single day to make sure that it does not define who we are. We strive to own it, learn from it, and use it to propel us toward a rich and fulfilling life. With everything we have we work to write ourselves a brave new ending. Being open with family, friends, fellow church members, and the entire cyber world is a part of that.
Cap's pornography addiction is a big part of my story. It affects a lot of areas of my life. Owning that part of my story has forced me to be honest about my life in a way I never have before. It has opened doors to a life more fulfilling than I ever thought I would live. It caused me to find myself, who I truly am, and forge a relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior that pushes me to be the best that I can be. It has opened me up to more love than I ever thought possible.
I won't hide that part of my story behind a rock because there is no shame in it. Standing against the shame that is often associated with pornography addiction is essential to owning my story and healing from the affects of addiction. That is my purpose in continuing to share this with all of you. I am anxious to move forward!
Friday, May 1, 2015
Mi Familia
Well, since my family will be a big part of this blog I thought I would give you a little introduction to each of us. I think my family is pretty awesome and I think it is only fair that that awesomeness be shared!
Just as a side note, I will be using a nickname for everyone on the blog. It's mainly just for fun. I mean, who doesn't like coming up with fun nicknames???
The Husband
This is Cap, my husband. He's an Idaho country boy and a lover of all things food. He works in the restaurant biz and dreams of owning a bake shop/restaurant someday. He is my opposite in all the right ways. He is such a passionate person. He dreams big. If he is excited about something he lets everyone know. I so admire him for that. He is my very best friend. I never thought I could have so much fun with someone. I never get tired of hanging out with him. He is also a pornography addict. The road to recovery has been a crazy one for us. It has been very dark and lonely, but it has also brought us countless blessings and a richness to our lives that I'm not sure we would've had otherwise. I feel compelled to specifically share this part of our story to help us on our own recovery journey and also in an effort to reach out to others that may be living in darkness. We have been there and know how hard it is to find the way out. If our story can bring in the smallest glimmer of light into someone else's life it would make this blog totally worth it. That brings me to my last piece about Cap. He is incredibly supportive. He has been wonderfully supportive of me doing this blog knowing that our "dirty laundry" would be displayed for all to see, especially the bit that he has been the most ashamed of. There's nothing else to say other than that he is my most favorite person in the world.
The Firstborn
This is Jericho. He's our oldest of 3. He is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. I am always so impressed with how well he jumps in and comforts those that are sad. He always is so willing just to sit next to me and rub my back when I'm crying. He is also our social butterfly. He thrives on social interaction. And he never. stops. talking. He hasn't since he was a baby. He babbled more than any baby I have met. He jabbered all day long. He loves to tell stories and he will tell them as long as you are willing to listen. And even when you're not willing to listen. He certainly is one of a kind. He is also my greatest challenge as a mom. He likes to push my buttons and test my limits like no other. And, boy, does he do a good job of it. It has been a very long, tedious, frustrating, but rewarding journey of being his mom. I will definitely be talking about the things I learn as I go along. I sure love this crazy curly head, but, man, has he been quite the refiner's fire!
The Spitfire
This is Essie, our second child. I don't even know where to begin with her. She is a momma's girl. She is a lot more timid than her brother. She gets shy easily. She does not like when people get into her space without her giving them permission first. She is our little snuggle bug. She's adventurous and definitely not afraid to get dirty, something I love about her. She can rough house with the best of them. Her big blue eyes and dimple cheeked smile are enough to make all my insides just totally melt. She is the driving force for a lot of the things I do. I try every day to be the woman I want her to grow up to be. I don't ever want her to digest the message that she is just a body to look at and nothing more. That is why I strive so hard to love every single part of my body because of its "imperfections." I want her to know the beauty of being unabashedly herself independent of anybody else. She is a very strong little girl and I don't ever want her to lose any of that strength. So I do my best to show her how to hang on to it.
The Baby
This is Angel, our baby. Every single one of us is completely head over heels in love with her. Her brother and sister dote on her all day long. Her mom and dad can't ever get enough of her. She is the most smiley baby I have ever met. She smiles all. day. long. A lot of the time she even smiles while she's fussing. She loves people. She is always happy when she is connecting with other people. Her favorite person is her big brother. He can always get her to laugh in a way that no one else can. Angel is a very special part of our family. She literally is our angel baby. There was a day way before Cap and I had even discussed the thought of a third child when Cap was having a horrible time. He felt beaten down and was ready to give up. He didn't want to keep trying only to fail again. It was at this moment of darkness for him that he heard Angel's voice asking him to hang in there and keep trying so he could be ready for her. And he did. And she continues to reach out to people in a remarkable way. I feel totally indebted to her. She has kept our family together and she has shown me just how much strength I have as a woman.
The Blog Writer
This is me, Rosie. I am a big city Minnesota girl living in small town Idaho. I love to have dance parties with my kids, snuggle with my husband, and be authentically me. Sometimes, I have no idea who that is but I think that can be half the fun. Finding out who I am is a puzzle I put together piece by piece and what joy I feel every time I fit another piece in. All of you will get to know me pretty well through this blog so I don't think much else needs to be said.
Happy Friday!
Just as a side note, I will be using a nickname for everyone on the blog. It's mainly just for fun. I mean, who doesn't like coming up with fun nicknames???
This is Cap, my husband. He's an Idaho country boy and a lover of all things food. He works in the restaurant biz and dreams of owning a bake shop/restaurant someday. He is my opposite in all the right ways. He is such a passionate person. He dreams big. If he is excited about something he lets everyone know. I so admire him for that. He is my very best friend. I never thought I could have so much fun with someone. I never get tired of hanging out with him. He is also a pornography addict. The road to recovery has been a crazy one for us. It has been very dark and lonely, but it has also brought us countless blessings and a richness to our lives that I'm not sure we would've had otherwise. I feel compelled to specifically share this part of our story to help us on our own recovery journey and also in an effort to reach out to others that may be living in darkness. We have been there and know how hard it is to find the way out. If our story can bring in the smallest glimmer of light into someone else's life it would make this blog totally worth it. That brings me to my last piece about Cap. He is incredibly supportive. He has been wonderfully supportive of me doing this blog knowing that our "dirty laundry" would be displayed for all to see, especially the bit that he has been the most ashamed of. There's nothing else to say other than that he is my most favorite person in the world.
The Firstborn
This is Jericho. He's our oldest of 3. He is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. I am always so impressed with how well he jumps in and comforts those that are sad. He always is so willing just to sit next to me and rub my back when I'm crying. He is also our social butterfly. He thrives on social interaction. And he never. stops. talking. He hasn't since he was a baby. He babbled more than any baby I have met. He jabbered all day long. He loves to tell stories and he will tell them as long as you are willing to listen. And even when you're not willing to listen. He certainly is one of a kind. He is also my greatest challenge as a mom. He likes to push my buttons and test my limits like no other. And, boy, does he do a good job of it. It has been a very long, tedious, frustrating, but rewarding journey of being his mom. I will definitely be talking about the things I learn as I go along. I sure love this crazy curly head, but, man, has he been quite the refiner's fire!
This is Essie, our second child. I don't even know where to begin with her. She is a momma's girl. She is a lot more timid than her brother. She gets shy easily. She does not like when people get into her space without her giving them permission first. She is our little snuggle bug. She's adventurous and definitely not afraid to get dirty, something I love about her. She can rough house with the best of them. Her big blue eyes and dimple cheeked smile are enough to make all my insides just totally melt. She is the driving force for a lot of the things I do. I try every day to be the woman I want her to grow up to be. I don't ever want her to digest the message that she is just a body to look at and nothing more. That is why I strive so hard to love every single part of my body because of its "imperfections." I want her to know the beauty of being unabashedly herself independent of anybody else. She is a very strong little girl and I don't ever want her to lose any of that strength. So I do my best to show her how to hang on to it.
The Baby
This is Angel, our baby. Every single one of us is completely head over heels in love with her. Her brother and sister dote on her all day long. Her mom and dad can't ever get enough of her. She is the most smiley baby I have ever met. She smiles all. day. long. A lot of the time she even smiles while she's fussing. She loves people. She is always happy when she is connecting with other people. Her favorite person is her big brother. He can always get her to laugh in a way that no one else can. Angel is a very special part of our family. She literally is our angel baby. There was a day way before Cap and I had even discussed the thought of a third child when Cap was having a horrible time. He felt beaten down and was ready to give up. He didn't want to keep trying only to fail again. It was at this moment of darkness for him that he heard Angel's voice asking him to hang in there and keep trying so he could be ready for her. And he did. And she continues to reach out to people in a remarkable way. I feel totally indebted to her. She has kept our family together and she has shown me just how much strength I have as a woman.
The Blog Writer
This is me, Rosie. I am a big city Minnesota girl living in small town Idaho. I love to have dance parties with my kids, snuggle with my husband, and be authentically me. Sometimes, I have no idea who that is but I think that can be half the fun. Finding out who I am is a puzzle I put together piece by piece and what joy I feel every time I fit another piece in. All of you will get to know me pretty well through this blog so I don't think much else needs to be said.
Happy Friday!
Monday, April 27, 2015
Showing Up and Being Seen
Today has been ROUGH. I feel like I am emotionally bursting at the seems. There are a lot of feelings stewing under the surface and I have felt overwhelmed and over stimulated by them all. I have been having small freak-outs every once in awhile and in between freak-outs I have been feeling hardly anything at all. It's always a sign to me when I'm struggling feeling emotions that there is something painful that I'm not dealing with. So I set to work trying to figure it out.
I have come to rely heavily on a form of free writing to figure out what's going on when things are wrong, so I pulled out my journal and set to it. I realized I was feeling a form of a vulnerability hangover for many reasons. The first one being this blog. Writing my opinions for all my friends and family and the rest of the world to see has been SO hard. I have this constant inner voice telling me that there are so many other people out there that are better authorities on what I write about. I think of all the people that probably think my writing is a joke. It is so hard every time I hit the publish button and then share my new posts on Facebook. All of it makes me feel SO uncomfortable.
The second main reason for my vulnerability hangover is teaching in church yesterday. I taught a Sunday School class and I taught Relief Society. I shared some very sacred things about my husband's pornography addiction. I also allowed myself to be passionate and animated in a way I don't always let myself be. Again, all of those voices undermining me and making me question if any of it really was a good idea.
All of these things have made me struggle with my own sense of Worthiness today. I truly, honestly do not feel worthy today. I do not feel worthy of being a mom to my kids. I do not feel worthy of being a wife to my husband. I do not feel worthy of being a friend. I do not feel worthy of being a teacher at my church. I do not feel worthy of being passionate. I do not feel worthy of this blog. I do not feel worthy of being me.
I am sharing all of this with all of you for a reason. One of my fears for this blog is that in being honest about my journey to be the best me that I can I come off like I never struggle and that I never feel insecure and unworthy. Or at least that I will downplay those emotions for the sake of helping others feel the good stuff about themselves. Since I am all about being REAL I felt I needed to share this with you today. I often feel unworthy and I struggle A LOT with showing up and being seen, in my relationships and the various situations I find myself in. I like to hang out in the background, unseen. This blog is really helping me with that. My calling as a teacher at church is really helping me with that. They force me to show up, be seen, and open myself up to vulnerability. And I am so grateful for that. It is so hard and it is really uncomfortable and it is painful but I have found that that is the only way to experience real joy in my life. I believe in a opposition in all things. In order to feel all of the good things in life we HAVE to feel all the bad things. The badder the bad feelings, the greater the great feelings.
I also believe so strongly in self empowerment. Self empowerment is what propels each of us to do great things. I realized today that in order to feel empowered in my own life I have to feel unworthiness. That is the only way I will be able to become more of the person I am and do what I can to contribute good things to this world. So, I ask the question, how are you going to show up and be seen and how are you going to allow it to empower you??
I have come to rely heavily on a form of free writing to figure out what's going on when things are wrong, so I pulled out my journal and set to it. I realized I was feeling a form of a vulnerability hangover for many reasons. The first one being this blog. Writing my opinions for all my friends and family and the rest of the world to see has been SO hard. I have this constant inner voice telling me that there are so many other people out there that are better authorities on what I write about. I think of all the people that probably think my writing is a joke. It is so hard every time I hit the publish button and then share my new posts on Facebook. All of it makes me feel SO uncomfortable.
The second main reason for my vulnerability hangover is teaching in church yesterday. I taught a Sunday School class and I taught Relief Society. I shared some very sacred things about my husband's pornography addiction. I also allowed myself to be passionate and animated in a way I don't always let myself be. Again, all of those voices undermining me and making me question if any of it really was a good idea.
All of these things have made me struggle with my own sense of Worthiness today. I truly, honestly do not feel worthy today. I do not feel worthy of being a mom to my kids. I do not feel worthy of being a wife to my husband. I do not feel worthy of being a friend. I do not feel worthy of being a teacher at my church. I do not feel worthy of being passionate. I do not feel worthy of this blog. I do not feel worthy of being me.
I am sharing all of this with all of you for a reason. One of my fears for this blog is that in being honest about my journey to be the best me that I can I come off like I never struggle and that I never feel insecure and unworthy. Or at least that I will downplay those emotions for the sake of helping others feel the good stuff about themselves. Since I am all about being REAL I felt I needed to share this with you today. I often feel unworthy and I struggle A LOT with showing up and being seen, in my relationships and the various situations I find myself in. I like to hang out in the background, unseen. This blog is really helping me with that. My calling as a teacher at church is really helping me with that. They force me to show up, be seen, and open myself up to vulnerability. And I am so grateful for that. It is so hard and it is really uncomfortable and it is painful but I have found that that is the only way to experience real joy in my life. I believe in a opposition in all things. In order to feel all of the good things in life we HAVE to feel all the bad things. The badder the bad feelings, the greater the great feelings.
I also believe so strongly in self empowerment. Self empowerment is what propels each of us to do great things. I realized today that in order to feel empowered in my own life I have to feel unworthiness. That is the only way I will be able to become more of the person I am and do what I can to contribute good things to this world. So, I ask the question, how are you going to show up and be seen and how are you going to allow it to empower you??
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Body Love
So I worked out today. I know, pretty amazing, huh? But this workout wasn't like my usual. I hope you don't mind if I share with you what it taught me.
To give some background, two years ago I started my journey to health. I lost 80lbs by eating right and working out regularly. I found a love for running and pushing my body to do things I thought I no longer could do. I cut out pop and cut down dramatically on my sweets and processed food intake. I became kind of a health nut and I did it because my body and my spirit felt so much better.
Then I got pregnant in the spring of last year. I did the best that I could but a lot of things got put on the back burner at certain points in my pregnancy. By my 3rd trimester I had quite running and hardly did any kind of workout after that. A lot of the healthy foods I had grown to love no longer appealed to me. I lost my umph for a lot of things I had become very passionate about. I basically just did the best I could to get to the end of pregnancy.
Well, Angel (my youngest) is now 4 months old and it has been really hard to find that umph again. My eating has gotten a lot better but I have no motivation to workout and my endurance level is not what it was before pregnancy. That makes for a bad combination. Most of the time I don't workout and when I do I only do it about halfway. It has been really hard and I have felt very defeated. I don't feel empowered like I used to. That's the hardest part -- losing a part of the woman I know I can be.
Flash forward to this morning. I woke up after a night of hardly any sleep. I was tired and feeling it. All I wanted to do was turn on the TV, lay on the couch, and sleep. I did sit on the couch for a long time. I perused my phone all the while that little voice at the back of my head was nagging me to do a workout. It was telling me all the shaming reasons for doing it, "Your pre-pregnancy clothes are still fitting a little too tight." "You've hardly worked out since Angel was born." "All you are doing is sitting on the couch." "Everybody else works out even when they don't want to, why can't you?" My response? "Ok, ok, fine, I'll do it. And I'm going to prove myself wrong by finishing a difficult workout." So I set to work finding a good workout on Pinterest and I started it.
The going was pretty rough with all of those nagging voices in my head. Not very motivating. But I told myself I was going to stick with it so I did. I started thinking about a lot of things about my body that had been on my mind. Someone commented the other day about just how amazed they were that I was so skinny after pregnancy. And it bothered me. I know, I'm crazy, but hear me out. Here I had grown a human being and given birth to that human being but it was coming off like my biggest accomplishment was staying skinny through it all. It made me feel like my real contribution to this world paled in comparison to being pleasing to the eye. Was I really working out so that my jeans would fit better when I just gave birth 4 months ago? That didn't sit well with me.
So, I started counting all my body Drops of Awesome. I grew a human with my body. Drop. I pushed that human safely through a small whole in my body. Trickle. I lost an enormous amount of blodd after pushing that human out of my body and bounced back in a matter of weeks. Stream. My body is now producing all the nutrients that human needs to grow and develop. Downpour. I seriously could go on and on and on and on about all the awesome things my body does to take care of myself and my family. I felt SO empowered. My priorities quickly shifted. I thought to myself, "I am not pushing myself to do these hard things so I can fit into a pair of jeans. I am doing these hard things because my body is strong and amazing and can do miraculous things. I am doing them because I love my body. My body deserves to be treated with kindness, love, and respect and I am going to give my body what it deserves."
So, I made a new pact with myself. No longer am I going to exercise and eat right because I "should." I am going to cut back on sweets because I love my body. I am going to indulge in my beloved chocolate here and there because I love my body. I am going to eat whole nutritious foods because I love my body. I am going to exercise because I love my body. I am going to push harder each day because I love my body. I am going to take rest days because I love my body. I am going to snuggle my children and my husband because I love my body. I am going to smile and laugh when my son points out how jiggly my butt is because I love my body.
Body love is where it is at. Seriously. Give it a shot. You might just end up changing your life.
Here's a post workout selfie to end off my post. Not to show you how hard and amazing my workout was by how sweaty my face is but to document the day I got my body love back.
To give some background, two years ago I started my journey to health. I lost 80lbs by eating right and working out regularly. I found a love for running and pushing my body to do things I thought I no longer could do. I cut out pop and cut down dramatically on my sweets and processed food intake. I became kind of a health nut and I did it because my body and my spirit felt so much better.
Then I got pregnant in the spring of last year. I did the best that I could but a lot of things got put on the back burner at certain points in my pregnancy. By my 3rd trimester I had quite running and hardly did any kind of workout after that. A lot of the healthy foods I had grown to love no longer appealed to me. I lost my umph for a lot of things I had become very passionate about. I basically just did the best I could to get to the end of pregnancy.
Well, Angel (my youngest) is now 4 months old and it has been really hard to find that umph again. My eating has gotten a lot better but I have no motivation to workout and my endurance level is not what it was before pregnancy. That makes for a bad combination. Most of the time I don't workout and when I do I only do it about halfway. It has been really hard and I have felt very defeated. I don't feel empowered like I used to. That's the hardest part -- losing a part of the woman I know I can be.
Flash forward to this morning. I woke up after a night of hardly any sleep. I was tired and feeling it. All I wanted to do was turn on the TV, lay on the couch, and sleep. I did sit on the couch for a long time. I perused my phone all the while that little voice at the back of my head was nagging me to do a workout. It was telling me all the shaming reasons for doing it, "Your pre-pregnancy clothes are still fitting a little too tight." "You've hardly worked out since Angel was born." "All you are doing is sitting on the couch." "Everybody else works out even when they don't want to, why can't you?" My response? "Ok, ok, fine, I'll do it. And I'm going to prove myself wrong by finishing a difficult workout." So I set to work finding a good workout on Pinterest and I started it.
The going was pretty rough with all of those nagging voices in my head. Not very motivating. But I told myself I was going to stick with it so I did. I started thinking about a lot of things about my body that had been on my mind. Someone commented the other day about just how amazed they were that I was so skinny after pregnancy. And it bothered me. I know, I'm crazy, but hear me out. Here I had grown a human being and given birth to that human being but it was coming off like my biggest accomplishment was staying skinny through it all. It made me feel like my real contribution to this world paled in comparison to being pleasing to the eye. Was I really working out so that my jeans would fit better when I just gave birth 4 months ago? That didn't sit well with me.
So, I started counting all my body Drops of Awesome. I grew a human with my body. Drop. I pushed that human safely through a small whole in my body. Trickle. I lost an enormous amount of blodd after pushing that human out of my body and bounced back in a matter of weeks. Stream. My body is now producing all the nutrients that human needs to grow and develop. Downpour. I seriously could go on and on and on and on about all the awesome things my body does to take care of myself and my family. I felt SO empowered. My priorities quickly shifted. I thought to myself, "I am not pushing myself to do these hard things so I can fit into a pair of jeans. I am doing these hard things because my body is strong and amazing and can do miraculous things. I am doing them because I love my body. My body deserves to be treated with kindness, love, and respect and I am going to give my body what it deserves."
So, I made a new pact with myself. No longer am I going to exercise and eat right because I "should." I am going to cut back on sweets because I love my body. I am going to indulge in my beloved chocolate here and there because I love my body. I am going to eat whole nutritious foods because I love my body. I am going to exercise because I love my body. I am going to push harder each day because I love my body. I am going to take rest days because I love my body. I am going to snuggle my children and my husband because I love my body. I am going to smile and laugh when my son points out how jiggly my butt is because I love my body.
Body love is where it is at. Seriously. Give it a shot. You might just end up changing your life.
Here's a post workout selfie to end off my post. Not to show you how hard and amazing my workout was by how sweaty my face is but to document the day I got my body love back.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
A Downpour of Blessings
So I was hoping to write a lot more often than I have. I am so sorry that I have let time get away from me! I am working on setting aside time every week to blog. Bare with me while I try to find time!
I had a small discussion with somebody a couple weeks ago that really stuck with me. Cap (my husband) and I were at a ward (what we call our congregation at church) potluck when our bishop (similar to the pastor of our ward) came and sat down with us. Right after he sat down he said something that caught me a little off guard.
Now, to give a little background information. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We do things a little bit differently than most churches. We have no paid clergy. In fact, all positions in our church are filled voluntarily by the members on all levels. That means that our bishop actually has a full time job on top of the massive responsibility he has to take care of our congregation. And he doesn't get paid for it. Cap's calling (the term we use for the various positions in the church) is ward executive secretary. He schedules all of the bishop's appointments with members of the ward and is at the church while the bishop is in his appointments. He also attends various meetings, makes agendas, and does a lot of other things. He is at meetings 1-3 nights out of the week and for a few+ hours before and after church on Sundays. When he is not at church meetings or work he is usually making calls for church, making calls for work, emailing back and forth with the bishop, on the computer making agendas and doing other paperwork, etc. Now, Cap's load is nowhere near the bishop's but this calling, at times, can be a second part time job on top of his full time job. With this calling and his job, our time together and as a family has become limited.
Ok, back to the story. When the bishop sat down, he very directly looked at me and said, "I wanted to come and say thank you." I was not expecting that at all. I assumed he had something to discuss with my husband, so I staggered out the response, "For what?" He replied, "For allowing me to take up so much of your husband's time." I laughed a little, grateful for his humility and care, and decided to jokingly say, "Yeah, you owe me!" to which he very seriously replied, "I do!"
A funny thing then happened. Right after the words "you owe me" came out of my mouth I instantly regretted them.
You don't have to look hard to see how socially acceptable it is to demand compensation for anything that inconveniences our "picture perfect" lives. Everyone does it. There are very few people I can think of that always seem content giving of what they have without receiving anything in return. We have become a world of complainers. We never have enough time to do the things we want. People always ask too much of us. God always asks too much of us. We always give too much and others too little. People are always unfair in their dealings with us. And we sit waving our fists in the air demanding that somebody pay us back for all that we give. Was that really how I felt about Cap's new calling?
It has been hard adjusting to Cap's calling. Right after he was called, the bishop immediately set to work at releasing and calling what seemed like the whole ward to new callings. That meant that Cap was gone a lot to meetings and when he wasn't at meetings he was on the phone setting up meetings. Things have slowed down a lot since then but those first couple weeks were rough. I had moments where I whined, mainly to myself, about the lack of time he had with our family and all the slack I was picking up because of it. But, oddly enough, it wasn't nearly as much as I thought it was going to be and I felt more than adequately sustained through it all.
I have pondered that interaction I had with the bishop a lot and during all of that pondering I was reminded of something that President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (a counselor to the president of my church) said during the Women's Session of the October 2014 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He said:
"Part of our challenge is, I think, that we imagine that God has all of His blessings locked in a huge cloud up in heaven, refusing to give them to us unless we comply with some strict, paternalistic requirements He has set up. But the commandments aren’t like that at all. In reality, Heavenly Father is constantly raining blessings upon us. It is our fear, doubt, and sin that, like an umbrella, block these blessings from reaching us."
I used to think that if I wasn't receiving blessings in my life that it was because Heavenly Father wasn't giving them to me. This analogy that President Uchtdorf uses really opened my eyes. If I am not receiving blessings it is because I am standing in my own way. I am blocking the blessings, not Heavenly Father.
If Cap had gotten this calling a couple years ago I can tell you right now that it would not be as good of an experience as it has been. Both of us would have had our umbrellas wide open, refusing to make the sacrifice needed. He would have gotten WAY more overwhelmed than he has been and I would have become extremely resentful of the time it was taking up. It would have been a bad experience.
Thankfully, that is not how it has been. Cap and I have both grabbed the bull by the horns and have done the best we could to jump right in and give what we have. Instead of focusing on the help I wouldn't be getting from Cap to get the kids ready for church on Sunday or putting them to bed in the evenings, I have focused on the strength I do have and the strength of the Atonement of Jesus Christ that I can tap into to get me through. And I have worked really hard to communicate with Cap when I am feeling overwhelmed, without blaming him or his calling for it. And Cap has done likewise. It has transformed our home. Our home is noticeably more peaceful and love-filled. Our love for each other, our children, and the ward has grown. We feel like we are a little more the people Heavenly Father wants us to be. We feel Heavenly Father's love more abundantly. Simply put, the blessings have rained down.
Now, before I go and make you think that we've had "picture perfect" experience, let me say now that it definitely has not been! I have gotten impatient with the kids on many occasions when they are being particularly stubborn about going to bed or getting ready for church. I have been reluctant to give so much of my husband's time. I have missed my husband more than I thought possible. We have been pulled spiritually and emotionally. It has been hard and very exhausting. We have been less than perfect but we have been trying. We do find that we open up our umbrellas at times and block blessings from raining down on us. But we are continually striving to close them again and let the blessings flow.
Things won't get easier if we sit around and demand some kind of compensation for what we give. Things get easier when we dig in, get to work, concentrate on what we have to give, and then give it. We all have so much to give and Heavenly Father has so much to give us. Imagine how we could transform the world by simply thinking, "What do I have to give others?" rather than, "What do others have to give me?" And, oh, how amazing would the downpour of blessings be!
I had a small discussion with somebody a couple weeks ago that really stuck with me. Cap (my husband) and I were at a ward (what we call our congregation at church) potluck when our bishop (similar to the pastor of our ward) came and sat down with us. Right after he sat down he said something that caught me a little off guard.
Now, to give a little background information. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We do things a little bit differently than most churches. We have no paid clergy. In fact, all positions in our church are filled voluntarily by the members on all levels. That means that our bishop actually has a full time job on top of the massive responsibility he has to take care of our congregation. And he doesn't get paid for it. Cap's calling (the term we use for the various positions in the church) is ward executive secretary. He schedules all of the bishop's appointments with members of the ward and is at the church while the bishop is in his appointments. He also attends various meetings, makes agendas, and does a lot of other things. He is at meetings 1-3 nights out of the week and for a few+ hours before and after church on Sundays. When he is not at church meetings or work he is usually making calls for church, making calls for work, emailing back and forth with the bishop, on the computer making agendas and doing other paperwork, etc. Now, Cap's load is nowhere near the bishop's but this calling, at times, can be a second part time job on top of his full time job. With this calling and his job, our time together and as a family has become limited.
Ok, back to the story. When the bishop sat down, he very directly looked at me and said, "I wanted to come and say thank you." I was not expecting that at all. I assumed he had something to discuss with my husband, so I staggered out the response, "For what?" He replied, "For allowing me to take up so much of your husband's time." I laughed a little, grateful for his humility and care, and decided to jokingly say, "Yeah, you owe me!" to which he very seriously replied, "I do!"
A funny thing then happened. Right after the words "you owe me" came out of my mouth I instantly regretted them.
You don't have to look hard to see how socially acceptable it is to demand compensation for anything that inconveniences our "picture perfect" lives. Everyone does it. There are very few people I can think of that always seem content giving of what they have without receiving anything in return. We have become a world of complainers. We never have enough time to do the things we want. People always ask too much of us. God always asks too much of us. We always give too much and others too little. People are always unfair in their dealings with us. And we sit waving our fists in the air demanding that somebody pay us back for all that we give. Was that really how I felt about Cap's new calling?
It has been hard adjusting to Cap's calling. Right after he was called, the bishop immediately set to work at releasing and calling what seemed like the whole ward to new callings. That meant that Cap was gone a lot to meetings and when he wasn't at meetings he was on the phone setting up meetings. Things have slowed down a lot since then but those first couple weeks were rough. I had moments where I whined, mainly to myself, about the lack of time he had with our family and all the slack I was picking up because of it. But, oddly enough, it wasn't nearly as much as I thought it was going to be and I felt more than adequately sustained through it all.
I have pondered that interaction I had with the bishop a lot and during all of that pondering I was reminded of something that President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (a counselor to the president of my church) said during the Women's Session of the October 2014 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He said:
"Part of our challenge is, I think, that we imagine that God has all of His blessings locked in a huge cloud up in heaven, refusing to give them to us unless we comply with some strict, paternalistic requirements He has set up. But the commandments aren’t like that at all. In reality, Heavenly Father is constantly raining blessings upon us. It is our fear, doubt, and sin that, like an umbrella, block these blessings from reaching us."
I used to think that if I wasn't receiving blessings in my life that it was because Heavenly Father wasn't giving them to me. This analogy that President Uchtdorf uses really opened my eyes. If I am not receiving blessings it is because I am standing in my own way. I am blocking the blessings, not Heavenly Father.
If Cap had gotten this calling a couple years ago I can tell you right now that it would not be as good of an experience as it has been. Both of us would have had our umbrellas wide open, refusing to make the sacrifice needed. He would have gotten WAY more overwhelmed than he has been and I would have become extremely resentful of the time it was taking up. It would have been a bad experience.
Thankfully, that is not how it has been. Cap and I have both grabbed the bull by the horns and have done the best we could to jump right in and give what we have. Instead of focusing on the help I wouldn't be getting from Cap to get the kids ready for church on Sunday or putting them to bed in the evenings, I have focused on the strength I do have and the strength of the Atonement of Jesus Christ that I can tap into to get me through. And I have worked really hard to communicate with Cap when I am feeling overwhelmed, without blaming him or his calling for it. And Cap has done likewise. It has transformed our home. Our home is noticeably more peaceful and love-filled. Our love for each other, our children, and the ward has grown. We feel like we are a little more the people Heavenly Father wants us to be. We feel Heavenly Father's love more abundantly. Simply put, the blessings have rained down.
Now, before I go and make you think that we've had "picture perfect" experience, let me say now that it definitely has not been! I have gotten impatient with the kids on many occasions when they are being particularly stubborn about going to bed or getting ready for church. I have been reluctant to give so much of my husband's time. I have missed my husband more than I thought possible. We have been pulled spiritually and emotionally. It has been hard and very exhausting. We have been less than perfect but we have been trying. We do find that we open up our umbrellas at times and block blessings from raining down on us. But we are continually striving to close them again and let the blessings flow.
Things won't get easier if we sit around and demand some kind of compensation for what we give. Things get easier when we dig in, get to work, concentrate on what we have to give, and then give it. We all have so much to give and Heavenly Father has so much to give us. Imagine how we could transform the world by simply thinking, "What do I have to give others?" rather than, "What do others have to give me?" And, oh, how amazing would the downpour of blessings be!
Friday, March 20, 2015
Getting Real
This blog has been in my heart for so long. This is something that is extremely close to my heart. It is something that will take a lot of time, work, and dedication so it has been hard for me to start. BUT! I am not putting it off any longer. Here's to the start of the rest of my life!
I feel like we, as a society, spend way too much time trying to paint an all too idealistic picture of what are lives are for others and ourselves to see. We all live horribly messy lives, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. They are HARD lives to live. They don't come with instruction manuals. I think that most days we look at the huge mess in front of us and we have no idea where to even start so we turn around, ignore the mess altogether, and try to make our lives into something they certainly are not. All for the sake of "easy." Or to save face in front of those that we think have well put together, non-messy lives (which is totally not possible, by the way!). But it really doesn't make our lives easier. And in the process we lose track of who we really are because what we don't really understand is that if we actually did all the hard work of sifting through that mess one piece at a time, we would find ourselves in that mess, the person that we truly are, strengths and weaknesses and all.
After way too many years of ignoring my own mess, I started the hard work of sifting through it about 2 years. My life and what I thought it was, what I wanted it to be, has been completely turned on its head. I discovered that the individual messes in my life that made up the one big mess were actually blessings in disguise, blessings that I had forsaken in my life. I found hope and love and who I really was, a person that I really love to be. I have come to love my big, sloppy, messy, wonderful life. And I wouldn't change any of it.
Now, the point of this blog is to talk about my messy life, to be REAL about it. In a world where Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram reign supreme, it is really easy to get caught up in only sharing the sparkling, picture perfect parts of lives and enter the cycle of comparing our messes to others' clean parts. I think it is a very isolating and potentially destructive cycle so I want to make sure that cycle stops at me.
So, welcome to my messy life! Stick with me as I blog about addiction, motherhood, body image, religion, etc. and as I embrace the messes in my life. It will definitely be a messy adventure in itself and I can't wait to get started. I hope that this might help YOU embrace your own messy life and find the wonderful person that you are. Navigating through our lives is certainly a group effort, after all. ;) So, hang on! Because it is going to be a wild ride!
I feel like we, as a society, spend way too much time trying to paint an all too idealistic picture of what are lives are for others and ourselves to see. We all live horribly messy lives, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. They are HARD lives to live. They don't come with instruction manuals. I think that most days we look at the huge mess in front of us and we have no idea where to even start so we turn around, ignore the mess altogether, and try to make our lives into something they certainly are not. All for the sake of "easy." Or to save face in front of those that we think have well put together, non-messy lives (which is totally not possible, by the way!). But it really doesn't make our lives easier. And in the process we lose track of who we really are because what we don't really understand is that if we actually did all the hard work of sifting through that mess one piece at a time, we would find ourselves in that mess, the person that we truly are, strengths and weaknesses and all.
After way too many years of ignoring my own mess, I started the hard work of sifting through it about 2 years. My life and what I thought it was, what I wanted it to be, has been completely turned on its head. I discovered that the individual messes in my life that made up the one big mess were actually blessings in disguise, blessings that I had forsaken in my life. I found hope and love and who I really was, a person that I really love to be. I have come to love my big, sloppy, messy, wonderful life. And I wouldn't change any of it.
Now, the point of this blog is to talk about my messy life, to be REAL about it. In a world where Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram reign supreme, it is really easy to get caught up in only sharing the sparkling, picture perfect parts of lives and enter the cycle of comparing our messes to others' clean parts. I think it is a very isolating and potentially destructive cycle so I want to make sure that cycle stops at me.
So, welcome to my messy life! Stick with me as I blog about addiction, motherhood, body image, religion, etc. and as I embrace the messes in my life. It will definitely be a messy adventure in itself and I can't wait to get started. I hope that this might help YOU embrace your own messy life and find the wonderful person that you are. Navigating through our lives is certainly a group effort, after all. ;) So, hang on! Because it is going to be a wild ride!
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Rosie Being Real
So, this is my new blog.
This blog has been on my mind for many months. It has constantly been at the back of my mind. I've had a little voice that has been all too eager to remind me that I haven't started it yet. Ever since I knew I needed to start this blog I have put it off. I can give you a whole list of excuses of why I have put it off - pregnancy, young kids to chase around, a household to upkeep, a marriage to nurture, church responsibilities, etc. All of those are valid reasons why I haven't started, but are they the real reason? Nope, not in the slightest bit. The real reason?
Fear.
Fear of what, you might ask?
Fear of the unknown. Fear of what this blog will teach me. Fear of the pain that will come when I am learning from this blog. Fear of what people will think of me and my blog. Fear of the things I will have to admit to myself and to others. Fear of opening myself up for the whole world to see. Fear of not living up to what I know to be true.
You might be thinking that's a lot to be a afraid of when it comes to a little ol' blog. After all, everyone has a blog. And you are definitely right. It is just a blog. But it is not just a blog to me. This is so much more. My Heavenly Father whispered to me that I needed to write this blog. He whispered that there are a lot of people that need to hear the things that I have to share, that there are a lot of things I need to learn through sharing them. Because this is something that is needed, that I need and possibly other people need, the forces that be have done everything they can to keep me from doing it. That is why I have been so afraid of this little ol' blog.
I am not letting fear stop me anymore, though. So I introduce you all to my blog: Rosie (that's me) Being REAL. Stick around and check back as I open up and get REAL about my life experiences.
This blog has been on my mind for many months. It has constantly been at the back of my mind. I've had a little voice that has been all too eager to remind me that I haven't started it yet. Ever since I knew I needed to start this blog I have put it off. I can give you a whole list of excuses of why I have put it off - pregnancy, young kids to chase around, a household to upkeep, a marriage to nurture, church responsibilities, etc. All of those are valid reasons why I haven't started, but are they the real reason? Nope, not in the slightest bit. The real reason?
Fear.
Fear of what, you might ask?
Fear of the unknown. Fear of what this blog will teach me. Fear of the pain that will come when I am learning from this blog. Fear of what people will think of me and my blog. Fear of the things I will have to admit to myself and to others. Fear of opening myself up for the whole world to see. Fear of not living up to what I know to be true.
You might be thinking that's a lot to be a afraid of when it comes to a little ol' blog. After all, everyone has a blog. And you are definitely right. It is just a blog. But it is not just a blog to me. This is so much more. My Heavenly Father whispered to me that I needed to write this blog. He whispered that there are a lot of people that need to hear the things that I have to share, that there are a lot of things I need to learn through sharing them. Because this is something that is needed, that I need and possibly other people need, the forces that be have done everything they can to keep me from doing it. That is why I have been so afraid of this little ol' blog.
I am not letting fear stop me anymore, though. So I introduce you all to my blog: Rosie (that's me) Being REAL. Stick around and check back as I open up and get REAL about my life experiences.
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