Big Announcement....

So, we have some big news in our family.  Some big changes are coming that we are very excited and nervous about.  We've been waiting and waiting for this day for months.  I can't believe it's finally here.  We've been celebrating for days!  

Well, you're just going to have to see for yourself....

Yep, that's right!  Angel is FINALLY walking!  She has had the ability for awhile now but has just been so stubborn.  She could smell you trying to get her to walk a mile away and always outright refused.  Just goes to show you that we, as parents, really can't force our kids to do anything.  They will do it when they are good and ready, and once they are good and ready there is NO stopping them.  Angel shows us everyday that she is a force to reckon with and I can't wait to see what she will do with that force as she continues to grow.

Social Media Fast

I had a pretty big emotional breakdown over the weekend.  Those are ALWAYS fun.... ;)  This breakdown was from all of the pressure I've been putting on myself over the last year to be everything to everyone, mainly my family.  I have put SO much pressure on myself to be the perfect wife and perfect mother that there hasn't been much room for mistakes, thus the breakdown.  Although I would never actually call breakdowns fun it was a wake-up call which I am grateful for.

It's time to say NO to the pressure!  The only way I can do that is by identifying where the pressure is coming from.  In doing that this weekend I faced a truth in my life that I have been avoiding for way too long -- social media has become toxic for me.  I will clarify that I am still a firm believer that social media can be good and that we shouldn't stop using it for good.  We need good voices amongst all the bad and I really want to be one of those good voices.  I know I have been in the past and will be someday but I can't right now.

I have gradually allowed social media become a reminder of all the things I should be doing but are not doing.  I see all of these women who have their act together in areas where I don't and I shame myself for not being like them.  I have fallen into the trap of comparing my weaknesses to everybody else's strengths and it has crumpled me in so many ways.  I have become a less effective wife and mother because of it.  My perception of reality has become really skewed and it is time for a reset.  I have decided to fast from social media until my sense of self worth has been restored and I can once again defend myself against the voices that tell me I'm not good enough.

Until then, I hope that I will be able to open myself up enough to use my blog to express myself more than I have.  My blog is a great place for me to use my voice in a positive way without facing all the other negative voices.  I know that one of my big problems is that I have seemed to have almost lost my voice completely.  I hope to find it again so that when I end my fast I can use it the way my Heavenly Father needs me to.

I don't share all of this to make some kind of grand exit from social media but because I have a tendency to make a big show of being myself and not letting all the commotion around me get to me.  I worry that I sometimes make myself seem invincible to low self-esteem.  But that is not the truth, by any means.  I do fall prey to the shaming voices directed at me.  I struggle with self-esteem just like everyone else on the planet.  I think it is one of the universal battles we all face in this life.  What matters is how we choose to fight it.  Because self worth is worth fighting for.

I Have No Idea What the Heck I'm Doing

Seriously.

Story of my life.

And it 100% applies to this blog.

I felt inspired to start this blog and I know what I want it to be.  I want it to be a space where I can share my real life experiences, the nitty gritty, to help others feel more comfortable with the nitty gritty of their lives.  So I started the blog and then all of it just left my brain.  All of a sudden I had no idea what to write.

Why?

Oh, ya know, simply because I lost all sense of who I was as a person.  No biggie, right?  I still don't really have any idea what happened or what is going on or what the heck I'm doing.  All I know is that I'm starting to come back.

I had hoped that I would be able to share my experiences as they are happening but I have discovered that that is much more of a struggle for me than I realized.  I have a hard time talking about what is going on with me because I have no idea what is going on with me.  Hard to put into words what you don't even know is happening.

But I have come to a place where I feel like I finally have enough of myself back where I hope I can start sharing some of these experiences with you.

For the time being, all you really need to know is that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, in every part of my life.  I seriously wing it every day just like I'm sure you do,  And I second guess myself like a bazillion times every time I make a choice as I'm sure you do.

I seriously have spent the whole time writing this going back and forth in my head about whether or not this is a completely stupid post and people will think it was a total waste of time.  Jury is STILL out on that one.

Just so you know, I didn't say all of that hoping to find compliments.  I know how crazy I am.  And I'm totally ok with it.

Sometimes I wonder why other people seem so ok with it.  I wonder if that's just an indication that we all are crazy and the people that stick around simply are crazy on a compatible level.

I'll save further musings on that topic for another post because now I'm just rambling.

Welcome to my brain!

A Bucketful of Awesome

So, I'm really bad at setting goals.  I also obnoxiously say "so" a lot.  Anyways, I have never been a goal setter and have always struggled with finding the motivation to achieve any goals I do set.  Why?  I think it all comes down to a fear of failure.  What's the point if I'm not going to be able to do it, right?  WRONG!  Dead wrong!  I know it's wrong but I still have hung back.  I have always been envious of those that have the tenacity to set goals.  I have always wanted to be one of those people but I've always believed my inner voice when it has told me I am not one of those people.  Well, it's time to finally face my fear of failure.  I set a goal!

I have this really awesome journal.  Literally.  I'm pretty sure I've referenced Drops of Awesome here before.  Kathryn Thompson, the author, put together this really awesome journal where you can write down all of your Drops of Awesome.  I felt inspired to buy it and when I did it was the exact thing that I needed.  It helped me to start getting out of a funk I was in.  Well, as so many other things, the spark died pretty quickly and pretty soon I had let a month go by without opening it.  Every time I glanced at it guilt and shame washed over me for letting it go unopened.  Finally, I decided I would kick that shame and my fear of goal setting in the butt together by setting a date to fill up my journal with all my Drops of Awesome.  And what better day than my birthday to make that happen?

So, here I am, telling the whole internet that I will have my Drops of Awesome journal totally filled by November 23rd, my 26th birthday.  When I set the goal last month this is how much I had to go:

 

And this is how far I've gotten since then:

 

I've got just over 2 months left.  It's going to take lot of Drops and I may not actually fill it up all the way but that doesn't matter.  What matters is that I am willing to put myself outside of my comfort zone and push myself to live to my potential.  It's not the physical end result that matters.  This is about the journey and what I discover about myself in the process.  So far?  I've found out that I'm way more awesome than I thought I was, and that fills me with the drive to be the best that I can be.  For myself, for my family, and for my God.  I am transforming into the person I want to be by going on this journey.  THAT is what matters.  So, here's to daring greatly and not being afraid!  Wish me luck!  What goal are you going to set that will conquer fears and stretch you to be better?

In related news, I've also decided to run a 10k, hopefully this fall.  I am totally stoked about it!

Guess What

Hey all!  Guess what I relearned this week???  It's totally cool and awesome and life changing and I bet if you learned or relearned it too it could change your life as well.  Yeah, it's that awesome.

Okay, ready for me to be out with it???  Here it comes!!!

I relearned...

...that I have talents and something to offer this world and what I have to offer this world is IMPORTANT.  And it's completely independent of the talent level of everyone around me.  So, even if someone is totally better at [insert talent here] than me IT DOESN'T MATTER!  Whatever I have to offer is still something only I can offer and it could change someone's life, like my own.  So, it's important that I work up the guts to share [insert talent here] with myself and those around me.  Because only good or even GREAT things can come from it.  And I will only be that much happier and more myself when I do.

Pretty cool, huh?

Because of this renewed knowledge I am going to go sew a quilt for Angel that I have been putting off because I have been letting my inadequacies get in the way.  I am stoked!

What are you going to do with this (re)newed knowledge?

Free Writing

Free writing has come to be a tool that I always keep readily handy.  When Cap and I started attending Addiction Recovery meetings and working the program I discovered very quickly that there were a heck of a lot of emotions that I was not dealing with which was causing me to binge eat like crazy.  I started to work through my emotions so I could ease the urge to turn to food.  One of the things I would do to help me would be to write about how I am feeling.  Eventually it all evolved into free writing.  I would start writing and come up with something completely unexpected at the end and I would find that I felt resolved with the feelings I was dealing with.

I remember learning about free writing in school and trying it a few times but I just never got it.  I always over thought it so I would turn up blank.  It's interesting to look back on that and remember thinking that I would never be able to free write and see how it has now become such an essential tool in my endeavor to process my emotions.  I use it in many situations.  I use it when I know I am having a hard time and know what the cause is and I also use it when I sense something is wrong but I have no idea what it is.  It seriously works every. single. time.

So, why am I writing about this?  Because it just kind of happened.  I came on here to write about the difficulties I have been having with motherhood.  When it came to it I was blank.  All of the ideas I had floating in my head were gone.  I physically couldn't write anything.  There was a block.  And what do I do when I have a block?  I free write!  I had a laptop on my lap all ready for me to type away so type away I did.  I got to the end of it and I thought, "There's my blog post!"  I was completely caught off guard, but it felt right.  So here's my example of free writing!:

I really want to write about motherhood but my thoughts have gone blank.  I wonder if there is something else that I need to write about.  I have no idea what that would be.  I am struggling with my emotions lately.  I know a lot of that has to do with the emotional aspect of mothering.  It takes so much out of me to constantly have to deal with the emotions of my children.  I think that's a struggle more so when I am not dealing with my own emotions.  I don't know what emotions I am not dealing with.  I know I have been spending a lot of time on my phone and in front of the TV.  When I do that I feel zoned out and have a hard time being interrupted and switching back and forth.  I know it would be better for me and my kids if I gave them up completely but I don't think I could do that.  I set a guideline of only one movie a day and I really need to get back to that.  I need to get used to doing lanyards without the TV on again.  I totally used that as my crutch again this week and it has totally thrown off my week.  I know that I can be better and do better though.  And I am going to!  I will not get sucked into marathons of TV shows.  I will only watch one episode a day.  One episode a day.  This means my personal TV watching.  I think that Chad and I should limit to one episode a day for TV shows we watch together as well.  It is so much easier to feel the Spirit in our home when the TV is turned off and I am not sucked into my phone.  I deleted social media apps from my phone because it was getting out of control.  I feel really good about doing that.  I feel free from the control it has over me.  I am a real person with real control of my life and I need to work hard every day to not give that control over to other people or things.  I give control over to people when my emotions are tied to the way they think of me.  I will work everyday to not give control over to people by doing the things that help me feel confident in myself.  I will no longer doubt myself and my decisions.  I will take the leap of faith.  If I make a decision and I fall flat on my face I will pick myself up, brush myself off, and pick up the pieces.  It is in the falling that I learn the most about myself and about others.  I will no longer be afraid of falling.

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  Mostly they are disjointed thoughts but the mental/emotional block I was feeling was gone by the end of it.  That is what I get out of free writing.  It helps me to acknowledge what is causing a block in my life, get it all out, process it, and come up with a solution/resolution.  It helps me to get REAL about my life.  It has become invaluable to me.  It is my lifesaver.  Have something in your own life you feel unresolved about?  Try free writing!  It might just change your life. :)  If you have any questions about logistics and how to get started feel free to message me!

Current Thoughts #1

-Jericho and Essie are actually playing nicely outside without getting into trouble.

-Nevermind.

-I actually got the sprinkler on watering the backyard.  Yay me!

-I really should make sure to water more than every 2 weeks...ish.

-I'm really surprised we still have grass.

-Angel sure is a stubborn napper.

-I'll be sad when Angel stops growling all the time.

-I actually emptied and loaded the dishwasher.  Yay me!

-Man, I sure am racking up the Drops of Awesome today!

-Who am I kidding???  I rack them up every day with all my overflowing Awesomeness! ;)

-I'm finally blogging.  Yay me!

-Wow, I really am Awesome!

-Being a SAHM sure has been a struggle lately.

-All of that seems to vanish when I see the look on Jericho's face when he is expecting me to say no for the 100th time but I surprise him and say yes.

-I really need to say yes more often.

-I love my kids.

-I love my family.

-Life is good.

-Life is hard.

-Really hard.

-But really REALLY good.