Today has been ROUGH. I feel like I am emotionally bursting at the seems. There are a lot of feelings stewing under the surface and I have felt overwhelmed and over stimulated by them all. I have been having small freak-outs every once in awhile and in between freak-outs I have been feeling hardly anything at all. It's always a sign to me when I'm struggling feeling emotions that there is something painful that I'm not dealing with. So I set to work trying to figure it out.
I have come to rely heavily on a form of free writing to figure out what's going on when things are wrong, so I pulled out my journal and set to it. I realized I was feeling a form of a vulnerability hangover for many reasons. The first one being this blog. Writing my opinions for all my friends and family and the rest of the world to see has been SO hard. I have this constant inner voice telling me that there are so many other people out there that are better authorities on what I write about. I think of all the people that probably think my writing is a joke. It is so hard every time I hit the publish button and then share my new posts on Facebook. All of it makes me feel SO uncomfortable.
The second main reason for my vulnerability hangover is teaching in church yesterday. I taught a Sunday School class and I taught Relief Society. I shared some very sacred things about my husband's pornography addiction. I also allowed myself to be passionate and animated in a way I don't always let myself be. Again, all of those voices undermining me and making me question if any of it really was a good idea.
All of these things have made me struggle with my own sense of Worthiness today. I truly, honestly do not feel worthy today. I do not feel worthy of being a mom to my kids. I do not feel worthy of being a wife to my husband. I do not feel worthy of being a friend. I do not feel worthy of being a teacher at my church. I do not feel worthy of being passionate. I do not feel worthy of this blog. I do not feel worthy of being me.
I am sharing all of this with all of you for a reason. One of my fears for this blog is that in being honest about my journey to be the best me that I can I come off like I never struggle and that I never feel insecure and unworthy. Or at least that I will downplay those emotions for the sake of helping others feel the good stuff about themselves. Since I am all about being REAL I felt I needed to share this with you today. I often feel unworthy and I struggle A LOT with showing up and being seen, in my relationships and the various situations I find myself in. I like to hang out in the background, unseen. This blog is really helping me with that. My calling as a teacher at church is really helping me with that. They force me to show up, be seen, and open myself up to vulnerability. And I am so grateful for that. It is so hard and it is really uncomfortable and it is painful but I have found that that is the only way to experience real joy in my life. I believe in a opposition in all things. In order to feel all of the good things in life we HAVE to feel all the bad things. The badder the bad feelings, the greater the great feelings.
I also believe so strongly in self empowerment. Self empowerment is what propels each of us to do great things. I realized today that in order to feel empowered in my own life I have to feel unworthiness. That is the only way I will be able to become more of the person I am and do what I can to contribute good things to this world. So, I ask the question, how are you going to show up and be seen and how are you going to allow it to empower you??
Seriously Chica?! U are one of the most amazing epically awesome peeps I've ever had the honor of knowing. Don't doubt your greatness. It is so difficult for me to be vulnerable and open. You have an incredible way of reaching out and touching people for the better. I believe it's part of your calling on this earth. I wish I could be more like that. Don't listen to the stupid voice...they be stupid.
ReplyDeleteLaina, I LOVE that you are doing this blog. I love that you are being honest and true and recognizing the positive that can come from the negative (opposition is an eternal principle). Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteLaina, I think the truly important part of being real, of sharing your most private and personal feelings, thoughts and experiences, is two part. Without going into detail for the privacy of others, let me share with you an insight a dear friend shared with me the other day (okay, more than a month ago now...lol) She had a colleague at work come to her with a suspicion of a family member sexually abusing her grand daughter, within a couple of weeks, to which she had reported, and opened an investigation. it wasn't long before they discovered that the abuse wasn't just toward the child, but to several other female family members. My friend didn't have to correlate why she had such compassion and understanding toward the victims, because I already knew of the abuse she had dealt with in the past. So her insight to the matter touched her to the core. She said that as much as everyone would prefer to leave all that garbage buried, and unseen to the world, it would never be healthy. it would never allow the Atonement to work the way it should. The wounds had to be opened, and aired, so that the man could be stopped, no more children would suffer at his hand; and most importantly, so that those victims could begin healing. A wound only heals after the infection, or hurt is cleaned out. I'm sure it causes a great deal of insecurity, and that is when the Atonement, I feel, starts really going to work for us here and now. We forget that the Atonement does more than cleanse us of our sins, it also brings us the comfort and companionship of our Lord, and Savior Jesus Christ. He suffered those hurts, and insecurities as well. When we turn to Him, we become closer, and stronger.
ReplyDeleteI myself have dealt rather recently with the same feelings vulnerability and unworthiness you described. It miserably lasted for weeks. Months. It was truly awful. I purged my heart and insecurities multiple times in prayer, and journals. And it never seemed to improve. One day, as I was getting T down for her nap, dwelling in the fact that it felt spiritually cold in my home, dispite my efforts to invite, when I distinctly heard, the sweet voice of Heavenly Father to basically quit trying to push Him out! I was inviting Him, but not allowing Him in. I told Him I felt unworthy, I asked flat out if He forgave me? and I felt His arms around me that second. And a distinct YES. As soon as I accepted that sweet fact, I felt sweet joy and so SO much lighter.
As of this moment, I haven't shared this experience, even with my journal. It is so precious to me, and it was very hard to share. I also have a blog(okay multiples, but only one that i'm actually doing anything with....), but you would never know, because, as of yet, my husband is the only one aware, (thanks to my vulnerability issues) and he doesn't read it.... so to answer your challenge, I wrote this comment, ignored about half the spelling and grammar errors I would typically have gone back and fixed, and instead will be printing this comment to add it to my journal, and also link it to my blog.
Heavenly Father's purpose for you, and Rosie Being Real is very wise. Trust Him, as I know you will. I look forward to more!
Oh, Randi, you have taken my breath away! And left me in tears. I am so very humbled that you would choose to share that here on my blog. I cannot put into words the beauty of your experience. I will cherish it! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I cannot say it enough!
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