Today has been ROUGH. I feel like I am emotionally bursting at the seems. There are a lot of feelings stewing under the surface and I have felt overwhelmed and over stimulated by them all. I have been having small freak-outs every once in awhile and in between freak-outs I have been feeling hardly anything at all. It's always a sign to me when I'm struggling feeling emotions that there is something painful that I'm not dealing with. So I set to work trying to figure it out.
I have come to rely heavily on a form of free writing to figure out what's going on when things are wrong, so I pulled out my journal and set to it. I realized I was feeling a form of a vulnerability hangover for many reasons. The first one being this blog. Writing my opinions for all my friends and family and the rest of the world to see has been SO hard. I have this constant inner voice telling me that there are so many other people out there that are better authorities on what I write about. I think of all the people that probably think my writing is a joke. It is so hard every time I hit the publish button and then share my new posts on Facebook. All of it makes me feel SO uncomfortable.
The second main reason for my vulnerability hangover is teaching in church yesterday. I taught a Sunday School class and I taught Relief Society. I shared some very sacred things about my husband's pornography addiction. I also allowed myself to be passionate and animated in a way I don't always let myself be. Again, all of those voices undermining me and making me question if any of it really was a good idea.
All of these things have made me struggle with my own sense of Worthiness today. I truly, honestly do not feel worthy today. I do not feel worthy of being a mom to my kids. I do not feel worthy of being a wife to my husband. I do not feel worthy of being a friend. I do not feel worthy of being a teacher at my church. I do not feel worthy of being passionate. I do not feel worthy of this blog. I do not feel worthy of being me.
I am sharing all of this with all of you for a reason. One of my fears for this blog is that in being honest about my journey to be the best me that I can I come off like I never struggle and that I never feel insecure and unworthy. Or at least that I will downplay those emotions for the sake of helping others feel the good stuff about themselves. Since I am all about being REAL I felt I needed to share this with you today. I often feel unworthy and I struggle A LOT with showing up and being seen, in my relationships and the various situations I find myself in. I like to hang out in the background, unseen. This blog is really helping me with that. My calling as a teacher at church is really helping me with that. They force me to show up, be seen, and open myself up to vulnerability. And I am so grateful for that. It is so hard and it is really uncomfortable and it is painful but I have found that that is the only way to experience real joy in my life. I believe in a opposition in all things. In order to feel all of the good things in life we HAVE to feel all the bad things. The badder the bad feelings, the greater the great feelings.
I also believe so strongly in self empowerment. Self empowerment is what propels each of us to do great things. I realized today that in order to feel empowered in my own life I have to feel unworthiness. That is the only way I will be able to become more of the person I am and do what I can to contribute good things to this world. So, I ask the question, how are you going to show up and be seen and how are you going to allow it to empower you??
Monday, April 27, 2015
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Body Love
So I worked out today. I know, pretty amazing, huh? But this workout wasn't like my usual. I hope you don't mind if I share with you what it taught me.
To give some background, two years ago I started my journey to health. I lost 80lbs by eating right and working out regularly. I found a love for running and pushing my body to do things I thought I no longer could do. I cut out pop and cut down dramatically on my sweets and processed food intake. I became kind of a health nut and I did it because my body and my spirit felt so much better.
Then I got pregnant in the spring of last year. I did the best that I could but a lot of things got put on the back burner at certain points in my pregnancy. By my 3rd trimester I had quite running and hardly did any kind of workout after that. A lot of the healthy foods I had grown to love no longer appealed to me. I lost my umph for a lot of things I had become very passionate about. I basically just did the best I could to get to the end of pregnancy.
Well, Angel (my youngest) is now 4 months old and it has been really hard to find that umph again. My eating has gotten a lot better but I have no motivation to workout and my endurance level is not what it was before pregnancy. That makes for a bad combination. Most of the time I don't workout and when I do I only do it about halfway. It has been really hard and I have felt very defeated. I don't feel empowered like I used to. That's the hardest part -- losing a part of the woman I know I can be.
Flash forward to this morning. I woke up after a night of hardly any sleep. I was tired and feeling it. All I wanted to do was turn on the TV, lay on the couch, and sleep. I did sit on the couch for a long time. I perused my phone all the while that little voice at the back of my head was nagging me to do a workout. It was telling me all the shaming reasons for doing it, "Your pre-pregnancy clothes are still fitting a little too tight." "You've hardly worked out since Angel was born." "All you are doing is sitting on the couch." "Everybody else works out even when they don't want to, why can't you?" My response? "Ok, ok, fine, I'll do it. And I'm going to prove myself wrong by finishing a difficult workout." So I set to work finding a good workout on Pinterest and I started it.
The going was pretty rough with all of those nagging voices in my head. Not very motivating. But I told myself I was going to stick with it so I did. I started thinking about a lot of things about my body that had been on my mind. Someone commented the other day about just how amazed they were that I was so skinny after pregnancy. And it bothered me. I know, I'm crazy, but hear me out. Here I had grown a human being and given birth to that human being but it was coming off like my biggest accomplishment was staying skinny through it all. It made me feel like my real contribution to this world paled in comparison to being pleasing to the eye. Was I really working out so that my jeans would fit better when I just gave birth 4 months ago? That didn't sit well with me.
So, I started counting all my body Drops of Awesome. I grew a human with my body. Drop. I pushed that human safely through a small whole in my body. Trickle. I lost an enormous amount of blodd after pushing that human out of my body and bounced back in a matter of weeks. Stream. My body is now producing all the nutrients that human needs to grow and develop. Downpour. I seriously could go on and on and on and on about all the awesome things my body does to take care of myself and my family. I felt SO empowered. My priorities quickly shifted. I thought to myself, "I am not pushing myself to do these hard things so I can fit into a pair of jeans. I am doing these hard things because my body is strong and amazing and can do miraculous things. I am doing them because I love my body. My body deserves to be treated with kindness, love, and respect and I am going to give my body what it deserves."
So, I made a new pact with myself. No longer am I going to exercise and eat right because I "should." I am going to cut back on sweets because I love my body. I am going to indulge in my beloved chocolate here and there because I love my body. I am going to eat whole nutritious foods because I love my body. I am going to exercise because I love my body. I am going to push harder each day because I love my body. I am going to take rest days because I love my body. I am going to snuggle my children and my husband because I love my body. I am going to smile and laugh when my son points out how jiggly my butt is because I love my body.
Body love is where it is at. Seriously. Give it a shot. You might just end up changing your life.
Here's a post workout selfie to end off my post. Not to show you how hard and amazing my workout was by how sweaty my face is but to document the day I got my body love back.
To give some background, two years ago I started my journey to health. I lost 80lbs by eating right and working out regularly. I found a love for running and pushing my body to do things I thought I no longer could do. I cut out pop and cut down dramatically on my sweets and processed food intake. I became kind of a health nut and I did it because my body and my spirit felt so much better.
Then I got pregnant in the spring of last year. I did the best that I could but a lot of things got put on the back burner at certain points in my pregnancy. By my 3rd trimester I had quite running and hardly did any kind of workout after that. A lot of the healthy foods I had grown to love no longer appealed to me. I lost my umph for a lot of things I had become very passionate about. I basically just did the best I could to get to the end of pregnancy.
Well, Angel (my youngest) is now 4 months old and it has been really hard to find that umph again. My eating has gotten a lot better but I have no motivation to workout and my endurance level is not what it was before pregnancy. That makes for a bad combination. Most of the time I don't workout and when I do I only do it about halfway. It has been really hard and I have felt very defeated. I don't feel empowered like I used to. That's the hardest part -- losing a part of the woman I know I can be.
Flash forward to this morning. I woke up after a night of hardly any sleep. I was tired and feeling it. All I wanted to do was turn on the TV, lay on the couch, and sleep. I did sit on the couch for a long time. I perused my phone all the while that little voice at the back of my head was nagging me to do a workout. It was telling me all the shaming reasons for doing it, "Your pre-pregnancy clothes are still fitting a little too tight." "You've hardly worked out since Angel was born." "All you are doing is sitting on the couch." "Everybody else works out even when they don't want to, why can't you?" My response? "Ok, ok, fine, I'll do it. And I'm going to prove myself wrong by finishing a difficult workout." So I set to work finding a good workout on Pinterest and I started it.
The going was pretty rough with all of those nagging voices in my head. Not very motivating. But I told myself I was going to stick with it so I did. I started thinking about a lot of things about my body that had been on my mind. Someone commented the other day about just how amazed they were that I was so skinny after pregnancy. And it bothered me. I know, I'm crazy, but hear me out. Here I had grown a human being and given birth to that human being but it was coming off like my biggest accomplishment was staying skinny through it all. It made me feel like my real contribution to this world paled in comparison to being pleasing to the eye. Was I really working out so that my jeans would fit better when I just gave birth 4 months ago? That didn't sit well with me.
So, I started counting all my body Drops of Awesome. I grew a human with my body. Drop. I pushed that human safely through a small whole in my body. Trickle. I lost an enormous amount of blodd after pushing that human out of my body and bounced back in a matter of weeks. Stream. My body is now producing all the nutrients that human needs to grow and develop. Downpour. I seriously could go on and on and on and on about all the awesome things my body does to take care of myself and my family. I felt SO empowered. My priorities quickly shifted. I thought to myself, "I am not pushing myself to do these hard things so I can fit into a pair of jeans. I am doing these hard things because my body is strong and amazing and can do miraculous things. I am doing them because I love my body. My body deserves to be treated with kindness, love, and respect and I am going to give my body what it deserves."
So, I made a new pact with myself. No longer am I going to exercise and eat right because I "should." I am going to cut back on sweets because I love my body. I am going to indulge in my beloved chocolate here and there because I love my body. I am going to eat whole nutritious foods because I love my body. I am going to exercise because I love my body. I am going to push harder each day because I love my body. I am going to take rest days because I love my body. I am going to snuggle my children and my husband because I love my body. I am going to smile and laugh when my son points out how jiggly my butt is because I love my body.
Body love is where it is at. Seriously. Give it a shot. You might just end up changing your life.
Here's a post workout selfie to end off my post. Not to show you how hard and amazing my workout was by how sweaty my face is but to document the day I got my body love back.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
A Downpour of Blessings
So I was hoping to write a lot more often than I have. I am so sorry that I have let time get away from me! I am working on setting aside time every week to blog. Bare with me while I try to find time!
I had a small discussion with somebody a couple weeks ago that really stuck with me. Cap (my husband) and I were at a ward (what we call our congregation at church) potluck when our bishop (similar to the pastor of our ward) came and sat down with us. Right after he sat down he said something that caught me a little off guard.
Now, to give a little background information. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We do things a little bit differently than most churches. We have no paid clergy. In fact, all positions in our church are filled voluntarily by the members on all levels. That means that our bishop actually has a full time job on top of the massive responsibility he has to take care of our congregation. And he doesn't get paid for it. Cap's calling (the term we use for the various positions in the church) is ward executive secretary. He schedules all of the bishop's appointments with members of the ward and is at the church while the bishop is in his appointments. He also attends various meetings, makes agendas, and does a lot of other things. He is at meetings 1-3 nights out of the week and for a few+ hours before and after church on Sundays. When he is not at church meetings or work he is usually making calls for church, making calls for work, emailing back and forth with the bishop, on the computer making agendas and doing other paperwork, etc. Now, Cap's load is nowhere near the bishop's but this calling, at times, can be a second part time job on top of his full time job. With this calling and his job, our time together and as a family has become limited.
Ok, back to the story. When the bishop sat down, he very directly looked at me and said, "I wanted to come and say thank you." I was not expecting that at all. I assumed he had something to discuss with my husband, so I staggered out the response, "For what?" He replied, "For allowing me to take up so much of your husband's time." I laughed a little, grateful for his humility and care, and decided to jokingly say, "Yeah, you owe me!" to which he very seriously replied, "I do!"
A funny thing then happened. Right after the words "you owe me" came out of my mouth I instantly regretted them.
You don't have to look hard to see how socially acceptable it is to demand compensation for anything that inconveniences our "picture perfect" lives. Everyone does it. There are very few people I can think of that always seem content giving of what they have without receiving anything in return. We have become a world of complainers. We never have enough time to do the things we want. People always ask too much of us. God always asks too much of us. We always give too much and others too little. People are always unfair in their dealings with us. And we sit waving our fists in the air demanding that somebody pay us back for all that we give. Was that really how I felt about Cap's new calling?
It has been hard adjusting to Cap's calling. Right after he was called, the bishop immediately set to work at releasing and calling what seemed like the whole ward to new callings. That meant that Cap was gone a lot to meetings and when he wasn't at meetings he was on the phone setting up meetings. Things have slowed down a lot since then but those first couple weeks were rough. I had moments where I whined, mainly to myself, about the lack of time he had with our family and all the slack I was picking up because of it. But, oddly enough, it wasn't nearly as much as I thought it was going to be and I felt more than adequately sustained through it all.
I have pondered that interaction I had with the bishop a lot and during all of that pondering I was reminded of something that President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (a counselor to the president of my church) said during the Women's Session of the October 2014 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He said:
"Part of our challenge is, I think, that we imagine that God has all of His blessings locked in a huge cloud up in heaven, refusing to give them to us unless we comply with some strict, paternalistic requirements He has set up. But the commandments aren’t like that at all. In reality, Heavenly Father is constantly raining blessings upon us. It is our fear, doubt, and sin that, like an umbrella, block these blessings from reaching us."
I used to think that if I wasn't receiving blessings in my life that it was because Heavenly Father wasn't giving them to me. This analogy that President Uchtdorf uses really opened my eyes. If I am not receiving blessings it is because I am standing in my own way. I am blocking the blessings, not Heavenly Father.
If Cap had gotten this calling a couple years ago I can tell you right now that it would not be as good of an experience as it has been. Both of us would have had our umbrellas wide open, refusing to make the sacrifice needed. He would have gotten WAY more overwhelmed than he has been and I would have become extremely resentful of the time it was taking up. It would have been a bad experience.
Thankfully, that is not how it has been. Cap and I have both grabbed the bull by the horns and have done the best we could to jump right in and give what we have. Instead of focusing on the help I wouldn't be getting from Cap to get the kids ready for church on Sunday or putting them to bed in the evenings, I have focused on the strength I do have and the strength of the Atonement of Jesus Christ that I can tap into to get me through. And I have worked really hard to communicate with Cap when I am feeling overwhelmed, without blaming him or his calling for it. And Cap has done likewise. It has transformed our home. Our home is noticeably more peaceful and love-filled. Our love for each other, our children, and the ward has grown. We feel like we are a little more the people Heavenly Father wants us to be. We feel Heavenly Father's love more abundantly. Simply put, the blessings have rained down.
Now, before I go and make you think that we've had "picture perfect" experience, let me say now that it definitely has not been! I have gotten impatient with the kids on many occasions when they are being particularly stubborn about going to bed or getting ready for church. I have been reluctant to give so much of my husband's time. I have missed my husband more than I thought possible. We have been pulled spiritually and emotionally. It has been hard and very exhausting. We have been less than perfect but we have been trying. We do find that we open up our umbrellas at times and block blessings from raining down on us. But we are continually striving to close them again and let the blessings flow.
Things won't get easier if we sit around and demand some kind of compensation for what we give. Things get easier when we dig in, get to work, concentrate on what we have to give, and then give it. We all have so much to give and Heavenly Father has so much to give us. Imagine how we could transform the world by simply thinking, "What do I have to give others?" rather than, "What do others have to give me?" And, oh, how amazing would the downpour of blessings be!
I had a small discussion with somebody a couple weeks ago that really stuck with me. Cap (my husband) and I were at a ward (what we call our congregation at church) potluck when our bishop (similar to the pastor of our ward) came and sat down with us. Right after he sat down he said something that caught me a little off guard.
Now, to give a little background information. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We do things a little bit differently than most churches. We have no paid clergy. In fact, all positions in our church are filled voluntarily by the members on all levels. That means that our bishop actually has a full time job on top of the massive responsibility he has to take care of our congregation. And he doesn't get paid for it. Cap's calling (the term we use for the various positions in the church) is ward executive secretary. He schedules all of the bishop's appointments with members of the ward and is at the church while the bishop is in his appointments. He also attends various meetings, makes agendas, and does a lot of other things. He is at meetings 1-3 nights out of the week and for a few+ hours before and after church on Sundays. When he is not at church meetings or work he is usually making calls for church, making calls for work, emailing back and forth with the bishop, on the computer making agendas and doing other paperwork, etc. Now, Cap's load is nowhere near the bishop's but this calling, at times, can be a second part time job on top of his full time job. With this calling and his job, our time together and as a family has become limited.
Ok, back to the story. When the bishop sat down, he very directly looked at me and said, "I wanted to come and say thank you." I was not expecting that at all. I assumed he had something to discuss with my husband, so I staggered out the response, "For what?" He replied, "For allowing me to take up so much of your husband's time." I laughed a little, grateful for his humility and care, and decided to jokingly say, "Yeah, you owe me!" to which he very seriously replied, "I do!"
A funny thing then happened. Right after the words "you owe me" came out of my mouth I instantly regretted them.
You don't have to look hard to see how socially acceptable it is to demand compensation for anything that inconveniences our "picture perfect" lives. Everyone does it. There are very few people I can think of that always seem content giving of what they have without receiving anything in return. We have become a world of complainers. We never have enough time to do the things we want. People always ask too much of us. God always asks too much of us. We always give too much and others too little. People are always unfair in their dealings with us. And we sit waving our fists in the air demanding that somebody pay us back for all that we give. Was that really how I felt about Cap's new calling?
It has been hard adjusting to Cap's calling. Right after he was called, the bishop immediately set to work at releasing and calling what seemed like the whole ward to new callings. That meant that Cap was gone a lot to meetings and when he wasn't at meetings he was on the phone setting up meetings. Things have slowed down a lot since then but those first couple weeks were rough. I had moments where I whined, mainly to myself, about the lack of time he had with our family and all the slack I was picking up because of it. But, oddly enough, it wasn't nearly as much as I thought it was going to be and I felt more than adequately sustained through it all.
I have pondered that interaction I had with the bishop a lot and during all of that pondering I was reminded of something that President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (a counselor to the president of my church) said during the Women's Session of the October 2014 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He said:
"Part of our challenge is, I think, that we imagine that God has all of His blessings locked in a huge cloud up in heaven, refusing to give them to us unless we comply with some strict, paternalistic requirements He has set up. But the commandments aren’t like that at all. In reality, Heavenly Father is constantly raining blessings upon us. It is our fear, doubt, and sin that, like an umbrella, block these blessings from reaching us."
I used to think that if I wasn't receiving blessings in my life that it was because Heavenly Father wasn't giving them to me. This analogy that President Uchtdorf uses really opened my eyes. If I am not receiving blessings it is because I am standing in my own way. I am blocking the blessings, not Heavenly Father.
If Cap had gotten this calling a couple years ago I can tell you right now that it would not be as good of an experience as it has been. Both of us would have had our umbrellas wide open, refusing to make the sacrifice needed. He would have gotten WAY more overwhelmed than he has been and I would have become extremely resentful of the time it was taking up. It would have been a bad experience.
Thankfully, that is not how it has been. Cap and I have both grabbed the bull by the horns and have done the best we could to jump right in and give what we have. Instead of focusing on the help I wouldn't be getting from Cap to get the kids ready for church on Sunday or putting them to bed in the evenings, I have focused on the strength I do have and the strength of the Atonement of Jesus Christ that I can tap into to get me through. And I have worked really hard to communicate with Cap when I am feeling overwhelmed, without blaming him or his calling for it. And Cap has done likewise. It has transformed our home. Our home is noticeably more peaceful and love-filled. Our love for each other, our children, and the ward has grown. We feel like we are a little more the people Heavenly Father wants us to be. We feel Heavenly Father's love more abundantly. Simply put, the blessings have rained down.
Now, before I go and make you think that we've had "picture perfect" experience, let me say now that it definitely has not been! I have gotten impatient with the kids on many occasions when they are being particularly stubborn about going to bed or getting ready for church. I have been reluctant to give so much of my husband's time. I have missed my husband more than I thought possible. We have been pulled spiritually and emotionally. It has been hard and very exhausting. We have been less than perfect but we have been trying. We do find that we open up our umbrellas at times and block blessings from raining down on us. But we are continually striving to close them again and let the blessings flow.
Things won't get easier if we sit around and demand some kind of compensation for what we give. Things get easier when we dig in, get to work, concentrate on what we have to give, and then give it. We all have so much to give and Heavenly Father has so much to give us. Imagine how we could transform the world by simply thinking, "What do I have to give others?" rather than, "What do others have to give me?" And, oh, how amazing would the downpour of blessings be!
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